| HOW TO WRITE A TERM PAPER
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of
freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from
class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to
McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you
his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating
see-through plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a
clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade.
You'd better write that letter now, that ways you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I really mean it, as
soon as it's over you are going to start that ~~
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet.
Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and
the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its
special flavor.
15. Check the TV Guide to make sure you aren't missing something truly
worthwhile on TV (like Monday Night Football).
NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from
Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with
these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowler's Tour
b) Any movie starring Don Ameche.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the
finer points of the plot, even if he wasn't watching.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone
is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated
strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper in your computer. Spell check.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write
that stupid term paper.
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